just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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