I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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