There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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