perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize