Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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