I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
