So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
