Someone shit on the floor
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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