I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
