Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
