Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
