Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
