I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
