Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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