I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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