Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
