I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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