I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
