Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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