This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
