I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
