you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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