she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
