I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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