You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
You can't special order awesome
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
