Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize