Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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