If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
