never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
