I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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