I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
