Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
