I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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