I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize