My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
