9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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