New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
