You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
