I wish I could teleport
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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