My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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