no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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