don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
