I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
