The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
