Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
