On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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