My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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