My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
