Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
