letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
