booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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