Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
