I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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