there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
