apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
me + whiskey = a bad person
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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