I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I touched a dick in church today
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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