3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We need a shit load of segways right now
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
