I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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