If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
