my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
