In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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