as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
